A planner with no plan.

I wrote this blog about 3 1/2 years ago. I had just graduated college, broken up with a college boyfriend and my life just kind of unraveled. I wasn’t anywhere near where I thought I should be in life and I had NO earthly idea what I was doing or even what I wanted to do with my life. I was terrified of the future and if I would ever figure any of it out. In the midst of my fear and chaos, God whispered this truth to me. He spoke truth into the lies, identity into the brokenness and joy into the fear. 3 1/2 years ago I had no idea that the next few years of my life God would unfold His beautiful plan for my life. I still fear the unknown, I still battle lies with truth and I still don’t have it all together but one of the sweetest things to do is look back at how far Jesus has carried you and realize he is ALWAYS faithful. always. always. always.

So…..currently I have no idea what I am doing. With my life, my future, my career, my love life, my dreams. I am pretty much super, freaking lost. And that kind of terrifies me. A lot.

I am the kind of person with a huge planner that separates each day by the hour and a separate page just for reminders and to do lists. I have a different colored pen for every activity I could possibly do in one week. I am the kind of strange human that maps out every hour of her day if possible. I LOVE spontaneous things but somehow the 2 different sides of me dwell in one brain. The brain that feels less anxiety when I plan every second of the day for the rest of my life and the part that hopes to have spontaneous adventures all the time….which I must plan or they won’t actually happen, right? Super confusing…I know. Thats a tiny snippet of what goes on in less than 10 seconds in my super conflicted brain. But anyways…I plan. A lot. I have a problem with not knowing what is going to happen because then nothing probably will happen and I hate wasting time or being bored…I want adventures….remember? But super planned ones so I KNOW they will happen. And dreams…oh I can’t have a dream that might not be able to come true….then I have no way of controlling every detail to make sure I am not disappointed. Super twisted, right? But I know some of you actually kind of get what I am saying. Feeling in control at least gives me some peace. And planning and stressing gives me some kind of control….at least that is what I tell myself.

But right now I have absolutely no plan. And trust me, I’m trying my hardest to make one, to make like 10 and hope one actually happens. But, I am plan-less. I am completely out of control and I feel like everything is up in the air and it’s only a matter of days before it all just comes crashing down. My planning side is terrified that nothing will actually happen for me if I let go of control…

But there is this thing called faith. There is that word again…I keep feeling like I should say it or act like I have some of it. It is a real word with a real definition. And I can’t really avoid it any longer. It’s kind of one of those words that christians use all the time and just expect everyone to have and act like if you’re a christian you are automatically filled with this crazy “faith” thing because you believe in God. But the question lately for me is….do I believe in MY God or do I believe in THE God. The real one. The one that isn’t stuffed into this little box I have kept Him in for years. I am a christian but do I actually live a life that says and shows that I believe in God? If any of us really truly KNEW who we had on our side, life wouldn’t be so stressful, or confusing, or terrifying. When I actually sit down and think with the part of my brain that isn’t irrational and consumed with control…the part that is rational and truthful, I realize I don’t even live a portion of the life I should.

Faith is defined as “confidence or trust in a person or thing.”

Faith is TRUST. Faith literally means trusting in something ELSE. Something that is not me. In this instance I am speaking of my King. The only thing I know that deserves my full faith. The only one that I know without a shadow of a doubt that they won’t let me down. I KNOW this. But do I BELIEVE it? If I believed it, would I live in fear? Would I be so terrified that I don’t have anything planned out? If I actually had faith in the one who created me, who loves me, who has my whole entire life planned already for me, down to the seconds….if I actually wrapped my head around what THAT means I might not live how I am living. I don’t think anyone would. But God is hard to wrap our heads around. But it’s also the only thing worth trying to do.

I want to live a life of faith. Not fear. Not excessive and meaningless planning. Not overbearing stress. I want to live a life that reflects what I believe. I want to actually believe in what I say I do. That I have confidence in God. That I really do trust Him. He has done more and shown me more than I ever deserved. And He loves me with an undenying, unrelenting, forever love. A love that started way before mankind was even made. Way before any plan was every in motion…he had a plan for me.

Do I want to trust the One who has it all planned perfectly for me, or do I want to try and hold onto the stress and fear for no reason? I don’t know why I do this, but I do. I have come to realize lately that I don’t trust God, and I haven’t for awhile now. I live in complete fear in pretty much every area of my life and I don’t trust that He has it all figured out. I don’t trust that He will take care of my heart and bring me my husband when the perfect time is. I don’t trust that He will keep me safe in all the meanings that safe could mean. I don’t trust that I will have a life worth living. I don’t trust Him with my life like I say I do. I don’t trust Him with my future or my dreams or my hearts deepest desires. I haven’t even trusted Him with my joy. And that is not okay. I didn’t just realize this and brush it off. I got angry. My heart broke. I mean it shattered. I have been living a lie. How could I not trust the one person that loved me before the world began. The one thing where my hope will not be crushed, where my faith will not be for nothing. The thing that I am angry with is how much I have just listened to the devil and been okay with it. I have trusted the wrong one. The evil one. The one with the apple instead of eternal life. The one that tells me that living in fear of my life is the right way to live, the comfortable way. The only way that things will happen. Living in faith would just leave me alone and uncertain. That is all a lie. I have no faith in myself, so why have I put the control in my own hands. I would MUCH rather trust the God who created an entire universe and created me with His own hands rather than put the trust in myself…who sometimes can’t even remember where I put my keys. I don’t have it together, but that is the whole point. I don’t…but HE does. He has it ALL together. And His plan is far better than mine could ever be. I’m so done with living in fear. I’m really done with it. It is exhausting and it hurts and it gets you absolutely nowhere. But faith does. It gives life and freedom and hope and JOY. Faith in the right one, the only One. That is where my life is safe, my plans are safe, my future is safe, my love is safe, my dreams can be big. I cannot control my life just like I couldn’t control coming into this world. So why not trust the One who can and has done both?

I can’t break a 21-year-old habit just by writing a blog. But I can fight. And I can fight for faith instead of surrendering to fear. So it’s time to fight back. It is time to fight for the One worth fighting for. And constantly give Him control and constantly let myself live in the unknown and maybe step into faith and trust that He will guide me.

Maybe let go of the fear I have been clinging to and run into the arms of the One who can free me.

THAT is what I want to plan for. Plan to let go.

….little did I know He would FAR surpass any dreams I ever had over those next 3 1/2 years. I travelled the world, made lifelong friends, went places I only DREAMED of going, built an entire business from the ground up, found who I was in HIM and nothing else and found passions that I never knew were there. Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness.